Sunday, June 12, 2011

Caught glowing...

" This is the best feeling .. " 

Before Paul came to visit, I was told by a few fellow employees ... "You are glowing Joslinda .. "  I felt like I could fly, that the world is at my fingertips.  In a few short days, Paul was due to arrive.  When I seen him for the first time after all these years, it was as if not a beat was missed.  Looking at the pictures my daughter Tabitha took of us, I can see the glow clearly...

"  I found a place so safe, not a single tear
the first time in my life and now it's so clear
feel calm I belong, I'm so happy here
it's so strong and now I let myself be sincere
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling .. "

"  It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
it's so beautiful it makes you want to cry ... "

"  This innocence is brilliant,
I hope that it will stay
this moment is perfect, please don't go away
I need you now
and I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by "

 Friday Morning cloud covered sunrise

 Spending every second with Paul was top on my list of things to do.  I didn't care if we never left the apartment; I just wanted to feel his arms wrapped around me.  His breath on my neck.  The whispers in my ear.  I wanted him close to me.  Filling my empty heart.  And he did ~  with a warm smile, a laugh, a glance, the feel of his hand in mine.  I had my very own piece of heaven.

Saturday, the day before Paul flies back to Florida, we wake up to the most beautiful sunrise ..

 Saturday night came early for Paul, he was very tired and we both knew that an early day was awaiting for us Sunday morning.  As he slept, I sat in my office chair and watched him.  I was blessed to have these 6 days, to be given a real chance at making my dreams come true.  I don't know how I got so lucky, but this I do know this ..this chance will not escape me, not again. 

 At 3:00am Sunday morning my alarm rings.  With Paul's arms wrapped around me, I quitely prayed that it wasn't Sunday.  I begged in my mind for it not to be true .. Please, not today.  Being responsible is the hardest thing in life, I wanted to scream.  Beg him not to go.  Climb inside him and never let go.  Maybe if I didn't get dressed, or lingered on the balcony, turned the handles on the clock back.  Maybe I could keep my piece of heaven.     

The drive to the airport was unlike anything I have ever felt before.  I could feel myself ripping apart. Hear the screams of my heart.  Air Trans departed from Terminal E, Paul had 45 minutes to get through security and to his flight gate.  The hardest thing I have done in my life, was leave him at that Terminal.  In my passenger side  mirror, I watched Paul walk away.  When he was no long in my view,  I heard this ear piercing sound .. the screams hidden in my heart escaped, and I sat in the car with tears rolling down my face.    The drive back to Hillsboro was the longest ever.  The knots in my stomach became more painful the further away from Paul I became.

While he was in Atlanta waiting for his connecting flight, I told Paul I didn't know how I was going to get through the days .. He said, "You pick back up where you left off before I came. Continue with your life like before, until we are together."  All I could say was  " But I didn't like my life before you came " 

" When you walk away I counted the step you'd take
do you see how much I need you right now ...
when you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you
when your gone, the face I came to know is missing to
when your gone, the words I need to hear
to always get me through the day
and make it okay
I Miss You "

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