Grow Garden Grow...

There is a love like no other.. one that fills the heart to the point of explosion. When you become a parent. When my children were younger, I thought I couldn't be more complete. This was the life. How could it ever get any better than this. Sure, there were lifes ups and downs. More than a moment or two I wanted to scream from the top of a roof somewhere, in frustation. Of course things weren't 100% perfect all the time. What kind of world only serves juicy Red Apples. Cutting out the soft areas, the brown spots, and digging through the dull apples is part of what we all go through as parents. But even with all of the sour and bruised parts; hasn't being a parent filled you in a way like no other?

When your family extends past what you thought you could ever imagine, there is a point when you stand back and say to your self "I did that". By the grace of God above, I have filled my garden with fruit. Seeds will be planted and as the garden grows, so does your roots. My roots are growing and I could not be more proud. I am in parent heaven and I want to scream from the roof tops all my blessings. Who wouldn't want too? When something good happens in your life, don't you want to YELL it loudly. Don't you want to paint the town with color and run through the street with joy and glee. That is how I feel right now. That is how I am feeling this very second. I want to dance in the rain, paint the town, scream from a moving limo and pop a bottle of bubbly.

When life gives you all you ever dreamed of, even the bad stuff; isn't it the greatest feeling ever? Life took all that bad stuff, and the good stuff, and the stuff in the middle to bring us, ME, where I am today. Looking back.. I would not trade one single second. Minute. Day or weeks. Months or years of the bad stuff to get me to the good parts. And yeah, bad stuff happens, it will happen every second of every day of our lives. But sitting here *sigh* I wouldn't change a single thing. I wouldn't go back to cut out a soft or bruised part of my life. If I could go back and tell my younger divorced self anything in the world, I would tell her to hold on tight. I would "Matter what life throws at you, hold on like riding a rollercoster before it may not seem like it at this very moment, but the dips and runs will slow down and when you look turn to look when the ride is over; you'll see it isn't as bad as it seems." Oh goodness, when I think abck to all the stuff I stressed about.. Lord I seen not those were the small stuff. Who cares if my daughters hands were dirty, it didn't bother either of my daughters and really, no one cared about it. Who cared if my son took great pride in his apperance, no one really cared about it. Does anyone really? I stressed and cared so much about the small stuff, I was starting to miss what really mattered. The moments I found and now find, the greatest joy watching. All the little things that will slip right by if your not careful, while getting so caught up in the stuff that really doesn't matter one bit. I relized all of this when my grandchildren came along. I reminded my children not to sweat the small stuff, cause in the long run the small stuff doesn't matter at all. I thought there was no greater love than my grand babies. I was in Nana heaven. The amount of love I have felt being a grandparent is greater then that of a parent; if that is even possible. I think my head and chest grew 10 sizes then normal with pride. I walked in clouds everywhere I went and bursting it enjoyment I would proudly annouce my new title "Nana". It was the greatest, and still is, feeling in the world.

No one really prepares you to become a parent, and no one really prepares you for becoming a grandparent. You hear stories about how great it is, but no one talks about your seams busting with love. No one explains to you, that somehow the love is greater than the love you have for your children. I am here to tell you, the love is greater than anything you will ever experience. It goes without saying, the birth of my Great Grandbaby, is my newest greatest Love. When I tell you the pain and pride I have when looking at her pictures, is stronger than anything else I have ever felt. Make room in your hearts and get ready if you don't already have great grandchildren, because it is a feeling like no other. Being a caregiver for my mother, has left me 1300 miles away from my great grandbaby, so it is only through photos that I can try to bnd with her. Today was her first home bath, and the pain and love I felt watching her bath and hearing her cries of disapproval sent me into a tail spin of emotions. It was the greatest feeling in the whold wide world. Hopefully in the future, there will be a trip to see the baby with my mother. My hopes is being able to get a five generation picture, and make it a life time memory. It will be the first 5 generatioon photo in our family, and very important for family history. The baby may never really know her Great great grandmother, but the photo will capture the greatest love of them all. I am keeping my fingers crossed to give this memory to my mother when she turns 82 yrs old. So maybe in June. Fingers crosed and plenty of prayers. The last 5 generation picture taken was with my eldest daughter for the Shirley family. And it was the last photo taken with my eldest daughters great great grandmother, of course my daughter doesn't remember her, but the moment was captured forever. Just the amount of love captured while this frail Great great grandmother held her newest member of the family, says it all.

Seeing and knowing my garden grows, is the best ever. Our newest bundle of joy may not be my baby, but she is a part of me. Apart of my tree. And seeing the seeds that started with me sprout out and branch into groups of their own, has fulled my heart to the point of busting at the seams. I just love a big family. Be fruitful and become many.. and my little family is doing just that.

Are you my Family...

Do you remember how I spoke of my Ex husbands Shenanigans? His cheating with his cousin and them having a baby before our mariage, 42 to 43 yrs ago. Well, I did a thing. I had a DNA test done through 23andMe a few years ago. Maybe even more than a few years ago.. like closer to 8 years ago, give or take a year or two. Anyway, my eldest daughter found this company where you can have those test results run against others who are also looking for family. And I did it. You might be asking, Why would I need to have my DNA run against others? Because, young ladies and young men, will always be young ladies and young men. Let me start from the beginning. I know perfectly well who my father is, never had any doubt, and of course I know who my mother is without a shadow of doubt; so why have my DNA test run by a third party you ask? It is because young men and young ladies will always be young men and young ladies. I am still young at heart, and as we all know... Sex doesn't just happen when your married. Just because my father married my mother and had 5 children, doesn't mean he and my mother were eachothers first sexual partners. Even back in the 1930's. You never know who got pregnant and didn't tell, who got pregnant and choose to give the baby a better life, or who choose to continue other relationships while being married. This was a lesson learned in the case of my Ex husband. So far, my children have found 2 other EXtra relationship 1/2 siblings. At this point, I have become immuned to the Ex husbands extra marital affairs. Frankly I am expecting more 1/2 siblings to pop up for my children. I would be very surprised if they didn't. Did I tell you, at one point it was thought I had more children that my own children did not know about! A first it hurt {the question}, and I had to gather my composure after learning about the first half sibiling... Who am I to question what they should or shouldn't believe. So, I picked up my defeated head, straightened my invisible tie; and pushed on with any and every question thrown at me. The results you ask? Of course I know who was in my body, and who came out of it. Nothing to hide here at all.

Now on to what I was talking about. I had my DNA run through 23andMe, by the way.. really good company, but very hard to make a family tree from them. But the medical stuff they can tell you; invaluable. And now I know I do not carry the BRACA gene. Either of them. Then my daughter suggested I have my Raw DNA from 23andMe sent to GEDmatch. By sending my DNA to GEDmatch, they will run my segments against others who are looking for parents, grandparents, family members; and even children that were placed for adoption. I had no problem with it. Like I said, I know perfectly well who went in me, and who came out of me. So what would be the harm. And it would be a plus for me. I was searching for my fathers family and maybe, just maybe, they were searching too. So with out a single thought, I google searched How to request my Raw DNA from 23andMe. Bam! Look at that, the "how to" results popped up and I was in DNA business. I requested my personal Raw DNA, and within 7 - 10 business days those results were in my Inbox. "You've Got Mail". I must admit my heart was racing. Could this be the breakthrough I needed? Will the family names of my fathers brothers and sister dance off the pages at me? Boy was I shocked!! Now it takes someone who knows how to operate GEDmatch, to be able to explain the inner workings and exactly what I needed to do to get the answers I was looking for. I was so lost at first, I simply gave my eldest daughter my login and password information, along with my personal Raw DNA Kit number and told her to have at it. She had her Raw DNA from MyHeratige placed on GEDmatch, and knew better how to navigate the system. Once she figured it out {plus I had nothing to hide}, we facetimed and I learned enough to understand what I was looking at, and looking for. Let me say this; I was not prepared for the amount of people I share "segments" with. There was no "Dancing" family names across my PC. That would be just to simple. What I did get was over 3000 people I am related to. That is a whole lot of close family, and far distant family. So the questions began; How far back do I go, and who do I want to contact? I took my eldest daughters advise and had my Raw DNA also loaded to MyHeratige, what could it hurt.. Right? The thing with GEDmatch, is you get names and email address, with 23andME you get a drop down list and matches with names, photo of the operator of their page {only if they personally uploaded a photo}, and on MyHeratige you get a photo picture {again if they loaded one to their tree page}, and a email address as well as how many sigements you are related to them. Jackpot!! For those who loaded photos, I could physically see what they looked like, thier about age {50's, 60's and so on}, an email address, and a way to personally send them a privite message. I was in perverbial ancestory tree heaven. I sent out as many messages I could send, introducing myself, sharing excitement that we were matched via DNA as family {and how.. cousins, 2nd cousins, 3rd cousins and so on} gave a run down of my basic tree. In each privite message I send on MyHeratiage I included both my parents full names, both my perternal grandparents full names, and both my maternal grandparents full names. If you are spanish, you understand the need for "Full" names. And I waited. Now for each privite message sent on Myheratiage, an email notification would be sent to the recipient. This, in my mind, would help move things along and speed up the connection. For one of the privite messages sent out I got a reply. There is a strong connections in segiments between myself and the first recipient, the last names I shared with this particular recipient are familiar to her and her mother, however the first names are not. This I have found is very common. To explain this let me back track for a second. My mother is 81 years old and although she remembers somethings, she is at the point in her life where some memories have escaped her. She can remember some of my fathers siblings, but not all of them. Looking through old censes on Ancestry I can ask.. "Mom who was so and so?" and at that moment she might not remember. Then again in a few days, it is like a light comes on and she can remember other things. It is a game of cat and mouse. Hit and Miss. You get the jest. While taking this journey I have learned one very imporant thing, get all the information you need for lineage as soon as possible. It may not seem important now, but trust me it will be very important later on in life. Back to what I was saying, I definitely have a connection with recipient number one, and it is more likely to be through a brother or cousin on my pertanal side, as the last names are the same as myself. But then we have to remember, marriage changes the last name in woman. Hence the importance of "full" names. The second recipitent responded within a few days, more closer to a week. Keep in mind, not everyone sits by their PC and checks their email or keeps their Family Tree Website open all day long, seven days a week, 365 days a year; myself excluded ofcourse. This Family search has taken on a life of its own.. My Life. So I converse back and forth with recipitent number two and share my basic family tree information, to see where the connection lies. Don't forget now, your DNA is 50% your mother and 50% your father plus, your grandparents. So take that pie and divide it into 4's, not 2's. A Connection can be from anywhere withing those four slices. With the second recipient, we narrow it down to his father, and the connection takes on a life of its own. It seems his mother had another relationship with someone other than who he call "father" all his life, and WHAM.. just like that, we are connected by 115.57 segiments. That is a 3rd cousin connections. Although my heart strings are tugging for him, I am jumping for joy that I have, at least, been able to narrow down one person fully to my DNA match. This gentleman took his DNA 5 yrs ago and learned his "father" {as he personlly typed out} was not his biological father, and thus began his hunt to find his biological perternal side. You may be asking "why didn't he just ask his mother?", well sadly enough she passed when he was 10 yrs old and then the "father" he had grown to believe was his biological father, passed when he was just 17 yrs old. Sad right? Now this grown adult, who is in his 60's, is trying to piece together the missing links. My DNA connected us both together and knowing it is on his biological side helps 100 percent. He was able to find out {maybe through his mothers family, I am not sure} that his mother did have a short relationship with a young man while he was stationed in Fort Bliss. A Soldier, a uniform, wild parties, dating; all I could see in my head as I was reading his privite message was the movie Pearl Harbor. Sorry, I am a hopeless romantic. When you start out looking for family and wanting to build something your future family can look at and physically see, one tends to find themselves with multiple family trees. I have a Family Tree on 23andMe, on MyHeritage, and on Ancestry; I am sure there are a few others but at the moment these are the three I use the most.

I always wondered as a little girl why my grandmother Rodriguez would put marriages, births, baptisms, and deaths in a book called "Family Bible", now I know why. What I wouldn't give to have that book now. To just think of all the family history captured from her years of collecting, writing down, and memorializing our family lineage. What I wouldn't do to go back years, just to hear of the stories, dates, names, and events that made us family. And having paper & pencil wouldn't hurt either. To think of all I missed by simply not really paying attention. When the monarchs of the family are gone, so does the portions of family history not captured. We crave the information we missed out on. The older we get, the more we realize how important information is to who we are and where we come from. What our families did and went through in attemps to give us a better life. It really blows my mind the more I learn. Back to my second recipient.. sorry for getting off track. As I get the information from my new found third cousin and learn his father was stationed in Fort Bliss, I inform him of my Ancestry tree and that I would search through my many records and see who in my family was stationed at Fort Bliss. Like a ton of bricks, there is is. Only one family member was stationed at Fort Bliss.. A Cousin of my family, born in 1936. An Army Soldier. A Sergeant. A gentleman I have candid pictures of during family gatherings. A family member we all reguarded highly. Now having said that, rest assure there is no ill will to my cousin or my new found 3 cousin. What happened in the past happened, and it has brought me a new family member. There are so many "What ifs", on boths sides.. who knows what either of them were going through. It is not mine to guess, judge, or speculate. Thankfully, my new found third cousin feels the same way. So what is going to happen you might be asking? Well, I will share the information on his possible father.. I will give him the names, dates of birth, and any information he might need to go forward. My cousin {his possible father} married, never had children with his wife {we never questioned why}, lived a very full life, and died in 2018 knowing his wife of many years was right by his side. I only wish I could give my second recipient better news. Nothing like hearing after five years of searching for your biological father to learn, he died 5 years ago. Do your family a favor. Start your Family Lineage now. Hold all that information to the highest reguard. Place it all neatly someplace safe and make sure to leave it all to the one you feel will carry on the family lineage tradition. My eldest daughter is doing that now, getting bits of information from my side of the family, and bits of information from her husbands side. Plus remember, when you have a split family; it is even more important to learn everything you can and keep it safe for those who will be left behind when you are no longer the Matriarch. Give your family, the leg up they need now.. so the struggle isn't so hard for them later on. And NO, this is not a sponsered post. I am getting paid nothing for any type of plug by naming the Family Tree Websites I personally use, this is coming from a woman who did not grown up knowing her fathers family and longs so very much to connect to anyone who is blood related to my father. They are the only connections I have left with him, and my heart is calling out to them.

A Caregivers Dreams...

I am a 59 divorced woman. I grew up in New York, moved to Florida with my family when my father wanted to give us children and my mother a better life, remained in Florida for my first and second marriages, moved to Texas with my third husband and remained their after my divorce; and then moved back to Florida when my Florida boyfriend decided he could not live anywhere but where he grew up. Small little town out side of Brandon Florida is where we rented a 4 bedroom 2 bath place on an acre of property. That relationship lasted 10 years before I realized the love of his Burbon was the only commitment he was able handle at a time. I am not keen on sharing. So, it was either me or the bottle. Needless to say, the bottle won. I wansn't going to wait another ten years for him to make up his mind. Took me a long enough to open my eyes. That was a relationship I was not willing to have. What I want, just may be only in the movies. I would like to think not, but so far.. the only proof I have is 3 failed marriages and one 10 yr failed relationship. Is it to much to ask for, a good relationship with a person who loves you like your children do, failure and all? I have three grown children, seven grandchildren, and now on great grandbaby. My life is complete, I have done well in that area. The only place I have really failed, is in Love. Then again, not everyone gets the rose garden, or a flower garden for that matter, or even a bushel of flowers.

Still, a full garden is what I long for. I am not fully against marriage, although I haven't had any luck in that area; I do long for the companionship. Dinner dates. Movie dates. Someone to talk to and bounce ideas off of. Someone to tell my troubles to and my hopes and dreams. Doen't see so far fetch, right? Then why is it so hard to find someone? Why is to so hard to find the person I am looking for? Is he still out there?

Welcome to the Light....

There were times in life, when people all over the world were screaming with excitement over family accomplishments. Your child graduates high school.. Parties pop up all over the place in excitement. Stores over stock with "Graduation" memorabilla, party favors are ordered and invitations are sent out. Families all over the world are spilling with excitement into the streets and calanders are maked with celerbration reminders. Same goes for engagement parties, birthday parties, anniversary celebrations, and even a few divorce celebrations. Then Social Media come along, and snail mail soon become a thing of the past. Instead of Christmas cards, birthday invites, engagement notices, divorce announcements, baby shower invitations, and save the date wedding reminders; we get a group Messenger invite/notifaction. Or a "Group Chat" text. And some times, we even get an link to some webpage announcement. Where did personalization go? Have we, as humans beings, become so busy that we can not even take the time to scream from the roof tops, make a brunch date, or even stop in the street; and share good news with one another? Times are so different now, and I had to adjust. I can remember going to fast food joints with my children and grandchildren, having dinner with family, or even engaging in family events and snapping cell phone photos of everyone having a good time. Sharing pictures of family events, happy occasions, and even some sad ones within my social media account, thus allowing any family who could not attend, a glimps of said event while they were away or unable to attend. It use to be the way family who were in another state, or miles away, stay connected with each other and still feel apart of what ever family fuction they missed. It use to be away for family to stay connected, period. Then came along the "Permission" aspect of Social Media. Someone somewhere didn't like the way a candid photo captured them. Someone else spat out "look at so and so", and yet another person stated "Did I really do that?" And the "permission before posting" was born. When did sharing Your excitment on something become, "only share your excitement with the permission of others"? Today I became a first time great grandmother. When I first learned of the pregnancy, it was "don't share with anyone" and "don't post on social media until the New Parents are ready to share". At some point, like months into the pregnancy, and when I missed the "Okay to Post" memo; I seen where the happy couple shared the news publicy on social media. But I did not have the personal "okay to share" so I held it in for a while, until I received the golden "Okay share" memo. Because I am 1300 miles away from the happy couple, and frankly do not have the same friends circle, I have waited to post anything about my excitememt. Frankly I am still waiting. The little boundle of joy was born... I am over the moon. I am also sad because, again I am 1300 miles away and will most likely not hold my new grand baby for quite a while. As a caregiver to an elderly parent; your life is pretty much not your own anymore. So as I sit here with the news of our newest addition, I have been asked not to share it on social media, on any social media platform that is; because it isn't "Our Place to Share the News". And while that may be the case technically, I am dying inside to scream from the roof tops. Lucky for me, none of my family knows about my Blog, or even reads it... Not anymore anyway. And I do not share about my blog on any social media platform. Yet, I sit here and question... Am I so old that I missed the Memo where, MY happy news became politically incorrect to share?

What is hidden in the dark, will always come to light ....

So many people, all over the world, feel their pass will always remain in the past.  I am here to tell you, that is not always the case.  Here I am, a 59 yr old woman; who learns my ex-husband had a child while we were dating.  I always thought my ex-husband was a catch, as we all feel about our spouse, they rises and set with the sun.  I was young, we were young; married in 1983.  I thought marrying my high school sweetheart was the greatest thing ever.  Oh, how I loved his family.  His mother felt like my mother.  I was closer to his step father, than my own.   His sisters were like my sisters, and I accepted his brothers like my own.  I was living the dream.  So I thought.

My childhood wasn't like the typical childhood of today.  My father died in 1978, and my mother remarried in 1979.  Having a step father brought on new surprises, new adventures.  Journeys I had never experienced with my mother and father.  There were extended step families.  Vacations we had never taken with my mother and father.  My step father slowly distanced us children {their were 5 of us kids} from our fathers family; and before long, the distance between my mothers family and us kids grew as well.  What was once weekly family gatherings with my mothers family side, became far and few between.  My step father was a creature, but that's a story for another day.  

When I say we did not have a childhood like children of today, I mean anything your teens would do or be allowed to do today; we were not allowed to do.  There wasn't girly sleep overs; and how I missed being able to say I had big slumber parties with my girl friends.  Nope, we were allowed sleep overs or slumber parties with one person only, our one girl cousin would was our age.  And when she was younger, she live in New York.  So sleep overs were when she would fly down for summers or spring breaks.  No other sleep overs were allowed.  We were allowed to have a boy friends; one date a week and a single 15 minute phone call from friends {boyfriends included} a day.  So if a friend called and we spent 15 minutes talking to them, no other calls was allowed for the day.   Crazy right?  Well the best part of that {enter sarcasm here}, was the 15 minute phone calls were received while sitting next to the recliner of my step father, so he can listen to the whole call.  Like I said before, it was quite the journey with my step father. 

Any woo, like I stated earlier, when it came time to date my ex-husband it was only one day a week and that was Fridays.  My ex had a car and we would always go to the drive-in movie theater.  He would pick me up by 7pm or 7:30pm {depending on then the movie started}, we would buy popcorn or a mini pizza, and drinks for the movie.  There were even times we would notice my mothers car or my step fathers truck a few rows in the back.  Always under watchful eyes.  It was never "normal" dating, and never really alone.  I thought I had the best catch.  That he was the greatest guy.  Even with all my parents put us through, he was right by my side.  Making sure to prove to my parents he was upstanding and a perfect gentleman.  Yeah, and so we all thought.

We were married and had two children.  I could not have been more blissful.  A place to live, children, and what I assumed was the perfect marriage.  That is until I learned of his affair.  One night while he was off of work {he worked the night shift} I woke up to find the spot next to me empty.  Wondering where he was, I walked down the hallway and found him on the sofa talking on the phone.  He called out a coworkers name, a woman, and as most young women do; I thought it was simply one coworker helping another coworker with paper work.  "And so the Lion fell in love with the Lamb; what a Stupid Lamb."  

It wasn't until I drove to my ex-husbands parents house one day, to let the children visit and play with their grandparents, aunts and uncles; that I learned the truth.  I was freshening up my make up in the bathroom when my ex-husband sister walked into the bathroom and asked me "are things bad with Mr. X and you because of Miss XYZ?"  the look on my face told her I had no idea that Miss XYZ was even a problem; but I knew then.  My reply or lack there of, said it all, and the young sisters mouth dropped.  She had spilled the tea, beans; and set off the bomb.  I played nice.  Never let the family know that now I knew.  That Miss XYZ had even been to my in-laws house and knew all of the family members.  Now I knew it all. I kept every ounce of betrayal, discuss, pain, and hurt from them all.  In my head I wasn't going to give not one single one of them the satisfaction of crawling into the hole I so desperately wanted to crawl into.  I drove home with my children, and once I got there I opened up the old fashion yellow pages and started to search for a divorce attorney.   When my ex-husband walked in and asked what I was doing, I  told him truthfully.  "Searching for a divorce attorney so you can live happily ever after with Miss XYZ.  I know the whole truth now Mr. X.  There is no need lying.  It was quite an enlightening day with your family."   

To say the least.  That was the beginning of the end.  I thought I was putting an end to a man who had the intentions of having a marriage and a mistress on the side.  Boy, was I wrong.  Know the saying "You never really know somebody.  No matter how close you are to them."  Well, I would learn just how much I didn't know about my Ex-Husband and his family when I was 59 yrs old.

Funny thing about taking a DNA test; what you think is hidden in the dark, always comes to light.  So back in 2020, a young lady takes a DNA test to find her Bio fathers family.  Only this young lady learns the man she called dad for years; wasn't her father at all.  Can you imaging finding out something like that, when you now are married and have young children yourself?  Can you imagine searching for your deceased fathers family, and learn that the man you grew up to adore was never your bio father in the first place?  Oh, how my heart sunk for this young lady.  But, while hearing about this young lady's struggles; I learned her actual bio father was my Ex-Husband.  And this young lady was born 1 yr before my ex-husband and I were married. How is that for a bomb!  Yep, my ex-husband was cheating on me even while we were dating, and had a daughter.  His mother knew, his uncles, and at least 2 or 3 of his siblings; and no one ever said a single word to me.  The worst part, as if it could get worse, was the woman he has the child with; was one of his cousins.  Like WHAT?  And this cousin attended our wedding with her baby and her new husband.  And even then, not a single word was uttered to me about their affair, about him getting his own cousin pregnant, and the little baby she was holding at our wedding, was in fact my new husbands baby.  Quite the family, right?

When this baby, now a 42 yr old woman, learned about all of this, her life being twisted and turned upside down, I am hearing about my own children's struggle with learning they now have a half sister, who was though to be their cousin.  Of course I had my own struggles.  I had the same feelings I felt the day I learned about the one {or what I thought was one} affair he was having.  Eventually, the waters did recede, and all children involved {adults themselves} survived this traumatic experience; learning you never really do know somebody... Not even a parent.  

And just I learned... I was the Test Tube Dummy for the life of multiple woman he would con and deceive, and the children he left in the wake.  4 marriages in total for him, and 7 children later, those conceived in marriages and affairs and some who never knew about the others; have learned the truth about him, and a very painful valuable lesion... What is hidden in the dark, will always come to light.