The Beast Hidden Within ...

There is a second person that lives inside of us.  Maybe it is the little girl who loves to dance in the tall wild flowers.   It could be the little boy who sits inside a cardboard box pretending to be the next Nascar champion. 

For some,  it is the person that no one knows about.  It can only been seen through the pill bottles that sit in the medication cabinet.  From looking at the person on the outside, one would never know their daily struggles.  Their smiles are the same as yours .  The laughter rings out just like yours.  Their children are the same as yours.  The only thing that sets them apart from you is;  The Silent Killer.  They could be your child's teacher.  The police officer writing your ticket.  The cashier at the grocery store.  Maybe the person who sat next to you on the bus or subway this morning.  There isn't anything stamped on their foreheads.  You wont seen them wearing Medical ID bracelets.  

They look like ...  ME.

Nana's Moments..

You haven't lived until you hear a child or grandchild yell   "Nana" or  "Mom"  and come running toward you.  Nothing in the world prepares you for the rush of emotions.  The fluffiness of Pride.  Golf ball size lumps.  Goodyear Blimp size head. and  Niagara Falls tears. 

Sunday was an emotional day.  Fathers Day, and I was missing my father very much.  Thing is,  I miss him every day.   Think about him all the time.  Direct comments or questions to him without blinking an eye, just seems to happen.  But, there are days and moments when it is harder then others.  This was one of those days. 

Ashley needed a ride to the grocery store,  I  picked her and the girls up and headed to Walmart.  It felt good to get out of the house for a few minutes, I have been battling this sick queasy nauseous feeling for 6 days now... and I am more then tired of it.  Has made it hard to keep more then one meal down, my coffee doesn't taste the same.  The thought of some foods and even the smell of others have me searching for a bathroom, and I mean quick. 

Anyhoo.. I thought getting out of the apartment was a good idea. 

Once I pulled onto Ashley & Bruce place and Arianna seen me, just at the same time I seen her ...

The car came to a stop, I flung the car door open and instantly heard "NEYA"  ~ she was off and running to me.  She is quite the runner.   I hadn't seen either of the girls in a few days,  missing them doesn't even come close to what I was feeling.  Before I could even get one leg out of the car, Arianna was climbing in the front seat with me.

I couldn't take my eyes off of her, and it was a good thing to; cause she couldn't take her eyes off of me either.  I had missed both the girls so much.  Arianna is attached to me; and I am just as attached to her.
Jayla seen me the same time as Arianna, but she was playing with friends.  Don't you dislike the times in life when your children, or grand children, get to the point where you aren't cool anymore.  Running to hug Nana or Granny; Mema or Grandma, Mom ~ Mama ~ or Mommy,  just isn't top of the list when friends are around.  Jayla looked up, our eyes met, and she went right back to playing. 

 

While shopping in the grocery store; I caught Arianna looking at me like this.  I was overwhelmed with bursts of Pride.  It was like fireworks were setting off inside of me.  Nothing comes close to this feeling; except being in the arms of your other half.  

Man, there is nothing like the unconditional love of a child.  Just does something to the very soul of your heart.

Later on in the afternoon hours, I sent a text to my eldest daughter and waited for a reply.  I wondered what my son in law Cody thought of his Fathers Days gift, Tabitha made him a DVD slide show of both the boys.. every picture that fell with in the age time frame {and was of child and father} was scanned and applied to the DVD.  Music was carefully chosen and applied, a fitting theme was picked; when everything was loaded onto her laptop and the running time of the music and photos matched; it was burned onto the DVD.  It played just like a movie.  Brought tears to my eyes when I seen at the almost completion stage.  Tabitha did a wonderful job; and Garrett wrote a poem, and read it on the DVD.  Wonderful.  Just the best thing I have ever seen. 

I was happy to see a text, that dinner was a go,  planned.. Tabitha, Cody and the boys would meet me at Ihop for the last leg of Fathers Day.  I had made sure to spend the morning devoted to my father; but I wanted to also honor my son in law Cody.   I couldn't ask for a better member of my family.  A wonderful Father to my grandsons, and a fabulous husband to my daughter, what parent could ask for more I ask you.

The best thing about restaurants with Nana, is sharing the topping on Mocha coffee.  Garrett misjudged and
and scraped further then he intended, he didn't care for the flavored coffee at all.  Eli was in heaven with the whipped topping.  I couldn't spoon it fast enough and get it to his mouth for his enjoyment.

There is just something about Garrett's smile that could brighten and room and melt your heart.

That sure is good stuff.  With each spoon he echoed the sounds of satisfaction.. Mmm !!

One proud Nana

Ashley and the girls had BBQ plans with Bruce family already and weren't able to attend, James and Jamie are in Virginia, and of course my sweety is 1300 miles away... it would have been awesome to have everyone together.  A Wish and Dream that one day will come true.

Mommy offers the best entertainment !!

There is nothing better then the love between husband and wife..

One Proud Daddy...

and although Ashley, Jayla or Arianna; James and Jamie; and Paul my sweety;  weren't with us for dinner, I longed for their company,  the laughter they bring me, the joy of being around my children & Paul,  and the fullness of being complete.

The Small Stuff ...

When I first became a parent, I was very young... a mere 18 years old.  At that age most girls are just learning about themselves.  I was both learning about myself, and mothering a baby.. a precious little girl.   As I grew in maturity,  she grew in height and years.    

 At three years old, my little girl became the big sister, and a bouncing baby boy was delivered into the family.  I was 21 years old.   

My wish for Fathers Day ...

Fathers Day is a time of celebration, a special day to honor just your dad.  Remembering and reflection of the wonderful things he did with you,  for you, around you, and because of you.  The sound of his laughter, the wise words he offered you, the direction he pointed you in, and the values he instilled on you. 

If by chance your Fathers Day feels empty because he is no long with you; take time out of your day today, just for him.  Go ahead, talk to him.  Reflex with him.  Honor him.  Because part of him is still with you, deep inside of you.  That never goes away.  He runs through your veins.  Whispers the right thing to do, in your darkest moments.   And when it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, it is his words of wisdom that give you the courage to go on. 

Go ahead, and take time the time today to honor your father.  A Moment just for him.  Light that candle.  Cook his favorite meal, or go to his favorite restaurant.  Play the music he loved listening to.  Look through your wedding album, or family photos taken with him.  Celebrate his memory.  Honor him.

Ready, Set .. and Wait...

It looks close.

Just Know we're going to get it.  

Coffee made, camera ready,  flip flops by the front door, and a towel. 

Bring it on baby, 'cause I am ready. 

Nothing.  Waiting.  I am stood up.  Left standing and wanting.  Searching and pacing.  Scanning local stations and peaking outside.  Tonight, still nothing. 

 Earlier this evening, I caught a gimps of rain clouds .. seen warnings posted on local news stations ...  I just knew, deep down, that the weather chances were higher then given, and rain was going to find its way to Hillsboro. 

The Heat.. The Rain.. and The Tree...

 Photo courtesy of Cody Terry

Today my son in law posted a picture of his outdoor thermometer,  the hand sits pretty at well over 100 degrees.  It has been months scene Hillsboro has had a good soaking. The grass has turned brown long ago, the ground shows it's thirst by cracking beneath your feet, and the tree in front of my building is in pretty sad shape.  As I scan the local channels for any sign of rain, I stop at the CBS DFW Channel.  Warnings are posted for thunderstorms and heavy rain,  jackpot !!   The longer I watch and listen,  the more clear it becomes;  the rain doesn't seem to make it this far South.   

It isn't hard to see that our grounds are suffering and in need of a healthy dose of "down pour".  While I was enjoying the setting sun, my eyes looked over at the tree, and I noticed where she has begun to crack.

Fabulous Friday...

Friday marks the end of a long week and the start of the weekend for some, while another group of people welcome Friday as the beginning of their work week.  From the moment my feet hit the floor this morning, something told me it was going to be a day to remember, and it was.   I began to get back into the routine of things {just as my sweety said I would} and sat on the balcony with my coffee in one hand, and the camera in the other.  It was 6:20am, and I was gawking right into Fridays Sunrise, ready to face my day.

There is no other way to wake up in the morning .. except next to your soul mate that is ..  But if that isn't possible; I would suggest putting yourself right in the path of utter beauty.

See what I mean.  Just the most glorious thing you will ever witness, the rising sun. 

Handing over the reigns ..

I had a bad Wednesday.  My car didn't start Tuesday early evening, the keys were not close enough for me to pick them up, or even walk to get them, plus the person who had the keys had no way of getting them to me.  The result, I walked to work, in the hot Texas sun.  While on my walking adventure to work, one of my eldest daughter, Tabitha, friend seen me walking and stopped.  Offered me a ride, in which I accepted.  An angel, no doubt.  Throughout my day at work, I brewed.  Steamed.  Boiled.  And eventually simmered.  That is until I received the most disrespecting text message.  Then I boiled slowly the rest of my day.

Now, don't get me wrong here, I am not interested in who was right and who was wrong.  Doesn't matter.  What is and was done, is done.  It is in the past, by far forgiotten.. but in the past.  The whole time I was brewing, the hurt pain grew.  The feeling was overwhelming, and I wanted to burst into tears.  For those of you who know me well, know that I will not shed a single tear in front of anyone.  Nerveless, it hurt.

Must keep the mind busy..

 

This picture doesn't have anything to do with the blog, but this was the moon Monday night, I took this photo as I was walking to the store, sure was pretty.

These days, I am doing what ever I can to keep my mind busy.  Anything I can think of doing to help distract from the fact, that Paul is back in Florida, and my apartment once again is empty  ...
 
I am a people watcher.  I try to keep my opinions to myself about things and just sit back and listen to talks, complains, and rants; wonder where people are headed, and how we as people interact with one another. 

Many times I have found myself shocked, mouth dropped open shocked, over the way some people {adults mostly} act like children toward each other.  No matter where we work, live, or play; there is always some "click" of people who set themselves apart from others.  No matter how long ago some adults left school, there seems a need to form the "cool click", the "outcast click", the list is endless. 

There have been stories about people hanging around the water cooler at work, taking about the happenings of the day.  Who did what, Who "said that to"...  whom, Where "so and so" disappeared to, right down to on what day "what's their name" quit or was fired.  At any given time {morning or night}, within any given company {large or small}, around any group {male or female};  a person could sit and listen to the daily or weekly news .. just like watching CNN. 

Caught glowing...

" This is the best feeling .. " 

Before Paul came to visit, I was told by a few fellow employees ... "You are glowing Joslinda .. "  I felt like I could fly, that the world is at my fingertips.  In a few short days, Paul was due to arrive.  When I seen him for the first time after all these years, it was as if not a beat was missed.  Looking at the pictures my daughter Tabitha took of us, I can see the glow clearly...

"  I found a place so safe, not a single tear

the first time in my life and now it's so clear

feel calm I belong, I'm so happy here

it's so strong and now I let myself be sincere

I wouldn't change a thing about it

This is the best feeling .. "

         

"  It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming

It's the happiness inside that you're feeling

it's so beautiful it makes you want to cry ... "

"  This innocence is brilliant,

I hope that it will stay

this moment is perfect, please don't go away

I need you now

and I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by "

Powerful Stuff ...

" Setting yourself up for 

joy is an investment,

not an indulgence. "

~ Thomas Kinkade

Sunday's are one of my favorite days of the week.  Depending on how you look at it, Sunday can be the beginning or the end of anyone's week.  On any given moment, Sunday is the first day of the rest of my week.  This week however, Tuesday is the day top of my list, the view is better then any other.  The sun seemed to shine brighter, the air crisper and thinner, the day longer, and perfect became an understatement.  

My phone rang early Tuesday morning, I couldn't begin to think straight,or even remember what time my head hit the pillow.  The feeling of joy and happiness lingered throughout the apartment as I grabbed for my phone and started toward the bedroom door.  "Hello" I whispered as my sisters voice spoke from the other end. Exiting the room, I turned to glance over my shoulder; and my eyes took in the smallest of details.  A smile streamed across my face, I liked seeing what was in plain site.  The items that filled the space, that filled my heart.  I reached for my camera, and let the lens speak for me; let the words flow through pictures.

A second pair of sneakers sat by the computer desk, as if they has always been there; some how just simply over looked.  I turned to the restroom and leaned against the door frame, with a deep breath and a silent sigh I knew seeing that extra toothbrush on the counter top made the restroom complete.  I can hear my sister talk, yet have no clue as to what she was saying.  I can't seem to remember the words.  I looked back through the bedroom door, focusing on the filled suite case that sat in front of the window, and how it made my dreams a reality.  The waiting less, and the emptiness drift away.

A Midnight Drive...

Dallas Fort Worth Airport

By the time I entered the parking garage and drove around for a while, parking at E1/2 seemed like the right place to park.  Surely, all the gates were not going to be functioning tonight, I mean, how many midnight fliers could there be?  The very first parking spot.. E1/2, is where I turned off the car, and sighed.   I could not wait to get inside the arrival terminal and wait for Paul to walk into the baggage claim area.  With my book in hand, and cell phone in my pocket, I was ready for the night, err early morning, to begin.  My first stop was to the restroom, hands seemed sticky and sweety, as I rounded the corner and seen the women sign, I turned in.  Walked up to the sink and turned it on when,  a man walked up next to me.  "Oh my" I said "Either I have walked into the men's room, or you are in the woman's room"  A blank look and a confusing response came out of his mouth "Hump, I could have walked into the women restroom, I dont know"  We both inch toward the restroom entrance ... With a very loud gasp, and my hand over my mouth, I read the sign... MEN !!

Yep, I walked right into the men's restroom.

"Oh my God, I am so sorry" blurted out and I quickly retreated to the woman's restroom entrance, which is shared by the men's entrance.  I wanted to climb into a whole and die, right there in the restroom.  But that would mean Paul would be stuck at the airport for the next 6 days.  I had to leave the restroom, that guy would be gone by now, the coast should be clear.  As my luck would have it; I was exiting the restroom at the same time he was.. "Again, I am so sorry."  I said,  with a giggle and smile he added  "No big deal, I have done the same thing, no harm done."   Thank goodness I didn't scared him for life, and I would never seen him again.  

The Morning Countdown.. Final Chapter

 Here it is, Monday morning and so much is going through my head.  To start off with, there has been a family emergency of sorts, to say the very least.  I have had to call out of work, my mind is in ten places at the same time.  Worry and excitement have taken over my very day.  As I get the last minute duties finished before my sweety flies into Texas, my grand daughters Jayla and Arianna help and keep me company; not to say; a little more grounded. 

The morning couldn't have been better.  There wasn't a single cloud in the sky,  the sun keeping everything bright...

Tenderly touching the ground below, lighting the way for my eyes to take in the distant land and soak up the green pastures..

as much as I wanted to stay on the balcony taking the morning in, there was still much to do.  Last minute things, like vacuum the apartment one more time, clean up any signs of morning use in the restroom, and to stay on top of the little toys left behind by the girls.  Once the vacuum came out, Arianna headed for higher ground, and Jayla was trailing right behind her.  Making my room the first to attack, both girls took cover on my bed.. and how sweet they both played together, pretending to call it a day, and settle in for a long night..

Could there be anything better then sisterly love, and sharing it on Nana's bed.  Just  makes everything ten times better to see these girls play and smile like that. 

The afternoon left me waiting, for word.. for a flight.  Worry of what will be and anticipation of seeing my sweety; 29 years of searching - waiting, finally comes to an end.  Six days together, regrouping, relearning, remembering.  My stomach,  in knots; my head, spinning; and my apartment filled with the laughter of my grand daughters. 

Just look at the afternoon sky, so blue and the clouds so white.  How could anything go wrong on a day like today?  You would think it couldn't, but just as any thoughts lead in that direction.. something happens and brings earth right back to my feet.  I wait.  Looking upward,  praying that everything will work out.

The first flight has left, Tampa to Atlanta becomes the first stop on this journey.  Through Web cam and phone calls, I was able to spend the morning with my sweety.  Now, only through cell phone and departing / arriving times, are we able to keep each other posted.  With each minute I find myself wanting to scream and jump around {like a child with the biggest lollipop},while another part of me wants to bite my nails to the knuckle.  Both girls have eaten lunch and are napping, leaving my mind to wonder.  My hands reaching out for things to do, and the second hand on the clock moving more slowly then ever .  Loudly I hear its movement, Tick  Tick  Tick.

With the directions and map printed out, placed next to my purse, my outfit on and make up finished; I glance over at father time.  Not long now before the drive to the airport begins, and the waiting comes to an end. 

 

8:55pm and the night is as I hoped it would be.  A full tank of gas.. Toll and parking money in my wallet.. Keys and coffee in hand..  I get in the car and head toward  Dallas Fort Worth Airport.  My heart is racing, and my mind is replaying every conversation we ever had.  The sound of his voice calming me as I sit behind the wheel.  It seems like the car knows right where to go, if second nature kicks in,  when I begin to notice; the closer I become to standing face to face with Paul, the more relaxed I become.  The sense of "home"

takes over, and I knew instantly .... Everything is as it should be.

The Morning Countdown Part 3...

I can barely contain myself today.. There is only one more day left to go..  OK !! I know.  I KNOW !!!  This is just insane, unheard of,  out of this world.  Just think how I feel !!  How many people can say that they have gotten the chance to live their dream face to face.  I can !! 

I have waited a very long time for this.  Live through some of the worst times of my life, pure hell on earth,  and some of the best times of my life .. all while waiting for this very dream to come true.   One more day, that's it, one more simple lonely long day ... Monday.  Through my days this past week, I have brought you two blog post The Morning Countdown and The Morning Countdown Part 2 ... Today I bring you Thursday through Sunday.  I hope you enjoy what I have captured.  Each picture, each Sunrise, taken with the vision of my eyes and beauty in my heart.. Enjoy.

Thursday June 2, 2011

There can never be enough Sunrises for me .. Never will be a photo that can even begin to express, the wonderful feeling it gives me inside to watch each morning begin. 

Raising a Tribes Children...

I have been going through the online news this morning, after my The Morning Countdown photos and sipping on fresh coffee, and as I read some of the local news I thought; it is so much harder to raise children today.  What once was "safe" is no longer considered a safety net.  In one of the local news postings, and upon reading the story, I realized how lucky I had been while my daughters attended local schools.  I also realized why so many parents lean toward home schooling for their children. 

One topic alone struck a cord with me, Teachers in Garland & Irving Accused of Having Sex With Students.  I thought about my own grand children; Garrett and Eli & Jayla and Arianna; and the demons they will face behind a school desk.  It has become a normal headline, never acceptable mind you; but we hear about Pedophiles and the children they target all to often.  

Not only in our schools but; our churches, our neighborhoods, our homes, day cares, even camping trips.  Every place we thought safe, is a potential 'crime scene' for our children, every person we thought trust worthy; a potential criminal.   There were many things that were not allowed growing up in our house as a child, and what may have been allowed when we were younger; was no longer allowed as we moved into preteen and teenage years.  Boys were not allowed to come over, sleep overs for us girls were minimal, and I don't remember spending the nights anywhere other then my Aunts house.  If any of us children were with anyone other then our parents, frequent phone contact was made and sometimes, a unscheduled visit , to just check in. 

The Morning Countdown Part 2..

 "Feel the evening breeze

or the warm midday

sunshine on your face..."

~ Thomas Kinkade

Right now, we stand at 4 days to go.  In my last post, there was three days worth of photos, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday.  Words are not enough to express the beautiful sunrises I have been blessed with seeing with each morning.  The colors, and the vibrant glowing of the morning, is truly breath taking.  I would suggest to anyone and everyone, make a point to refresh yourself, and take in the beauty of it all.  Make it a point to just, Stop; and smell the roses along the way.  You wont be sorry you did.  Trust Me. 

Tuesday May 31st, 2011

Tuesday morning was the greatest Sunrise yet.  Just look at these colors.. and they are not color edited.  Sharpened, yes.  I could not believe my eyes.  I let the camera do all the talking for me.

Outstanding.  I couldn't pull myself away from my balcony.  If every morning was like this, I would never get anything done.

And as luck would have it, a small group of birds started flying right into the sunrise.  Who could have asked for a better moving site?