Monday, July 2, 2012

Changing the Cards I'm Dealt....

While going through my research Study, it is important to remain calm.  Relaxed.  Stress free.

Tell that to someone who doesn't deal with OCD and Anxiety issues.  

While I was at visit 1, 2, and 3 a slide show would play in my head.  It would relax me, and at one time it even made me chuckle.  A Picture Video of my grand children would dance in my head.  Very relaxing and extremely comforting.

On Friday, after my third Research Visit and after I came home, a shopping spree was in order.  I needed to go to Publix and pick up a few things.  With my new goal of lowering my LDL, I realized there was nothing I could eat in my house.  

I drove to Publix with no problem.  Parked my car, simple enough right?  Walked through the electric door on a mission.  I wanted to get Yogurt and fruit.  A snack I was looking forward to diving into.  

I maneuvered my way around Publix without a single problem, picked up more than I had on my mental list; and headed to the check out.  While at the register, I felt an anxiety attack come on.  The cashier was wonderful, she spoke softly and was very respectful; so I knew she wasn't the cause of my unwanted attack.  My items were placed in plastic bags, and at that time I felt that tention pinch in my neck.  The attack was getting closer to the surface and coming on strong.

I was more that happy to make it out the front doors, when my eyes scanned the parking lot and I felt my breathing increase.  The parking lot was filling in quite quickly, cars were pulling into spaces and pulling out.  

Normal functions for any shopping center, Right?  Who the heck get a anxiety attack in the parking lot of Publix I ask you.

I do!!

I unlock my car, put my grocery items in the passenger seat and walk over to the driver side.  I just need to get into the car and calm down.  This time the mental image of Eli helping my daughter with the dishes, didn't calm me.  The mental picture of Jayla and Arianna laughing over passing gas, did not help.  The photo of Jaycee enjoying belly time on her blanket, wasn't doing the trick.  Hearing Garrett tell me mentally "I love you Tongues and Tongues Nana", had no effect.

I was breathing very heavy now.  I couldn't make myself start the car and get out of the parking lot.  I text my son in law hoping he wasn't working and I could just hear his voice to calm me.  The transmission of the text wasn't fast enough for my attack.  I dialed my daughter Tabitha, but it went to voice mail.  I dialed my daughter Ashley and hear "Hey, whats up?"   An answer.  A voice.  A calming warm feeling started.  

Once I talked to my daughter Ashley and she calmed me some, I was able to start the car.  Because she was at work, I wasn't able to talk to her long enough to get me out of the parking lot, but as soon as we hung up my sister called me.  

Must have been the Good Lord above sending out a help sign.  

I talked to my sister for a few moments and yes it was helping big time.  While I was talking to my sister on the phone, my eldest daughter was ringing through.  Word had gotten out and my children were checking up on me.  I switched over to my daughter and told my sister I would call her later.  

I had no idea what brought on the anxiety attack, I just knew I needed to get out of the Publix parking lot.  I just wanted to go home.   Listing to my daughter and hearing my grand children in the back ground helped a lot.  I learned that my grand son Eli, after he finishes his dinner, makes a point to test the food on each plate, each drink, and any condiments on the table.  By licking them.  I was laughing so hard.  In the back ground I can hear my son in law "Get your mouth off of that"  This is just what I needed. 

After talking to my daughter, I was able to pull out of the parking lot and make it home. 

Through careful thought, I realized part of the attack was brought on by fear.  Worrying about the things the physicians told me.  Worrying about my health.  Worrying about the possibility of leaving my children without a mother.  Worrying about leaving my grandchildren without a Nana.  

If I am going to remain calm and relaxed through this study, I am going to have to come to terms with the things that I can not control.  The length of time I have here on earth, is out of my control.  All I can do is point myself in the right direction, and start now with the changes I need to make. 

Reach for the stars, and hope for the best. 

Pray.  A lot. That I am given the chance to improve now, and live a longer life here with my family while keeping those family photo images playing in my head.  Staying calm and relaxed.

Jayla and Arianna

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