Wednesday, April 18, 2012

OCD and Control.. is it possible?

 OCD.  A very hard thing to live with.  Many people do not understand it.  How it makes a person feel.  How hard it is to for them be in public places.  The hard work it takes to control the urges for some one with OCD.  Hmmm, OCD.  Three Strong and Powerful Letters.  OCD.  UGH!!!

 You might know someone with OCD.  Maybe it's apparent to you, in their behavior or possibly in their comments or even in their actions, and maybe it isn't apparent at all.  Regardless of the behavior someone with OCD might portray in front of you, the truth is; OCD is very debilitating.

from Google Images

 When my eldest daughter was younger, she told me all the time "Mom, you seriously have OCD".  I laughed it off, just wanting things neat and orderly.  When cleaning the apartment, the walls and base boards had to be cleaned as well.  There is so such thing as sweeping around things, you move it.. pick it up.. and it was even better if a room could be completely empty before cleaning began.  Vacuuming in front of a chair or sofa? Unheard of.  There is an art to vacuuming a room.  First you vacuum in front of the sofa, both sides of the sofa next, and then the sofa is moved onto the area that as been vacuumed; and proper vacuuming under the sofa can begin.   It just so happened, I had a runner that divided the living room and the dining room, the front door was in between the space, so the runner worked perfectly for an entrance piece and helped guide guest through the space into the living room.  The problem was that the runner had fringes on the ends, and all the fringes had to be perfect;  pointing outward and not overlapping onto each other.  I can CLEARLY see, where I drove my children nuts!!!  I HAVE OCD.  Now, I have not seen to a physician and gone through the testing, mainly because I do not want to take medication for something I think, can be controlled.  Think.  That's the key word.  Think. 

 When I am by myself,  OCD isn't a problem.  I can keep things just the way I want.  Cleaning the kitchen is a breeze because it stays that way, not cooking for just myself isn't a problem and the nice thing, again; the kitchen stays spotless.   I can get my living room set up a certain way, and it stays that way, nothing is out of place and I can count on things staying unchanged.  Of course as I said in the beginning of this chapter, "When I am by myself".  The thing about that, I didn't want to remain by myself forever.  I had already come to terms years ago, that I would be single for the rest of my life.  A very lonely thought.  A very dark place to be.

 It will be a year May 2012, man a year already, that my sweety and I became a couple.  Where did the time go?  My sweety is a very relaxed person.  Unlike me. I can start my day at 6am and keep busy long after he goes to bed.   He is a calm person.  Unlike me.  I think ten frames ahead of everything and anything. He can look things over and has the ability to say "we'll get to it tomorrow".  Unlike me.  I can not stop until a project is finished, otherwise it drives me nuts.  He keeps things positive and doesn't get worked up before he has a reason too.  Unlike me. I get worked up and think the worst first, knowing if things aren't that bad; than I am ahead of the game.  Somehow we make it work.  Somehow it's a perfect balance.  Now, there are times, many of them, that anxiety gets to me and I can't "put off tomorrow what can be done today".  Than there are other times, where it doesn't take an act of congress to get me to walk away from a project and pick it up the next day.  But putting things off comes at a price, it keeps my mind going. Causes a lot of anxiety for me. That word seems to goes hand in hand with OCD; Anxiety. 

From Google Images

 I have been paying closer attention to my OCD, trying to get a handle on it and attempting to control it.  The major factor for me and OCD is, Control.  As long as I can control a project, the house, planning, and what direction something is headed in... I think I can keep my OCD in tack.  The past few days, weeks and month.. OCD is controlling me.  I am on a pinwheel and spinning widely.  More then a month ago, or right at about a month, while moving our items into our new place I pinned my wrist between the recliner and the frame at the back door.  OUCH!!! It hurt so bad, that I dropped my end.  I kept right on working with my sweety, moving most our items into our pace.  I should have stopped right than and had my wrist looked at, but I knew my trip to Virginia was in a few short days and I refused to meet my new grand baby and daughter in law; with a cast on my arm.  What kind of help would I have been then?  Control.  When I came home, from Virginia, I picked up right where we left; cleaning the property of our new place.  Raking leaves, cutting down limps that are to close to the ground, watering the sandy lawn, burning the nice massive left over piles of twigs limbs and brush left from the previous tenants, pulling weeds, and just turning the house look into a home look.  Again, working through the pain.  Yelling OUCH when I tried to grip something.  Waking from a dead sleep when I turned my hand the wrong way.  Looking past the swelling, and working through the now, constant pain.  Again Control.  My reasoning as been, without health insurance and a job; I would have a massive bill hanging over my head.  In reality I know there is still to much work to do on the new place; and having my arm in a cast right now.. simply wont work. Control has a new owner as I have lost control of my OCD, the pain from my wrist has slowed me down quite a bit; while the jerking pounding anxiety inside of me; is screaming to get out.

 There is so much that I need to be doing, and I am getting things done at a slower pace in between writing this blog.  Even typing on my laptop or PC keyboard hurts; so I am taking plenty of small breaks; but during those breaks I have cleaned all of my kitchen counters, put up the clean laundry, cleaned the dining room, and swept all the floors.  Break Huh?   Yeah right.  Unfortunately, the work out side is lacking.  Using the pole saw brings the pain to my wrist, to a heighten level.  Although I am left handed, I count on my right hand for everything, except eating.  Using the loppers is next to impossible, opening my hand and then adding tension to close it around the loppers hurts.  I have a very high tolerance for pain, so saying it hurts to much to work out doors, tells you I am in serious pain.  I am watering the sandy lawn, hosing off any dirt from the concrete slab front porch area, and the back porch area.  Having two large outside dogs on a sand-ish lot, brings lots of unwanted sand onto areas that drive me crazy. 

 Is it possible to have OCD and Control it, at the same time?

From Google Images

 I may not have Control of my OCD and the Anxiety may be overwhelming at times, but I am going to keep working through it.  Keep pushing forward to get the things done at our new place.  Working hard to turn our house into a happy home.  I am learning to live with my OCD.  Trying to turn the bad points of OCD into, good ones.  Attempting to stretch my mind into putting less important things off until tomorrow, allowing myself one extra day to get something done.  Facing some of the fears that go hand in hand with OCD is another thing.  I don't like small spaces tight. I haven't fallen in love with our small darkish hall bathroom and I hate our tiny master bathroom.  I cringe at the thought of entering our closet cause it is so closed in.  Although we have a 6 foot fence and added the electric wire at the bottom and, barbed wire at the top in some places; I still fear someone breaking into our place.  I hate that even with two central lights on the property, there are still places I find to dark; leaving me to worry that someone could he hiding in the dark. Oh, Yes I do have a sensor light at the front door, and I know someone will think twice about entering the property with the two outside dogs and to small dogs inside ~ but the worrying and fear of what MIGHT be and what COULD be is all part of OCD.  

Shopping and public places with OCD?   How much time to you have?  That, is another Blog all together.

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